What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 12:35
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Comes on , in middle age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Would this be the day?
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I waited trembling.
What is the worst emotional pain you ever felt as an adult?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She married twice! .
I was 9 years of age.
How do I overcome attachment issues?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was seconnd youngest,
As i do to all so called friends.?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It was going to be , some day.
She was in good health!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I don,t even have a pension.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I said to her
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But, we were locked up after school.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And i lived it daily.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Put me off passion for life!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When she asked me how she looked .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
This is soul school!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was very sick at this time too.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
All the time i was locked up.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why did i forgive my father ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She found it foreign!.
So, i spoilt her more .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im still living with it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I think the readers, may guess!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My life is so biszare .
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot live in the past .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I write beautiful poetry .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I will be 64.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I couldn’t, believe it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it wasn’t much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My family never makes their pension either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So whats the point in blame.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
What did i know ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She wouldn,t have been !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We were not on the streets..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Ive learnt so much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He knew the spot.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I could never make a relationship work though!